7 posts from July 2007

Soo.. I'm sleeping last night, and the phone starts ringing. At first I was just going to ignore it, but it was 2:30AM, and I figured whoever the hell it was better be calling for a good reason. I answer, and it was D.

He asks me if I was sleeping. Um, yeah. I said, "Why? Are you ok?" He tells me he just wanted to say sorry. I ask for what. He says for everything he's ever done to me, and he feels like he didn't do me right in our relationship. At that point I'm kinda like... speechless, but also curious what brought all this on. He also says he's sorry for putting his hands on me, and not to let any man put his hands on me, and that he would never do it again.

Now mind you, he has had a new girlfriend. He told me a few days ago that she was on some "bullshit", and he didn't think they were going to be together anymore. Then calls me the next day to let me know that "they" were going to come up here so he could see Amaya, but "they" didn't have any money. I asked who is they, and he says his "girl"... sooo I assume they had got back together?? But somewhere in the conversation last night he informs me that he CHOKED her, because he wanted to use the car to go get some weed, and I supposed she told him no. He then tells me he wants to get help because he thinks he has a problem with controlling his temper, and I agreed.

He also admits to me many things I have accused him of in the past, I was right about. Ooohh and the girl that just left him, he met her a week after he went back to Michigan (he graduated college), and cheated on me with her.. and has been with her ever since. I wondered why I wasn't mad about all the things he admitted to me, then I realized I always knew in it the back of my mind... he just never confirmed it. It's nice to finally get closure to it all though.

He continued with some shit about he misses little things we used to do together, and he used to love coming home to me.. and blah blah. I told him that I wish he would have felt this way because it's sincere, not because he's missing someone else. He says he's been feeling this way for a while, but funny how he doesn't mention it until he's all fucked up in the head because this girl left him.

Oooh, and now he wants me and Amaya to come down there for a week, so he can spend time with her. I'm debating about it, because I don't even want to take the chance of re-hashing any old feelings because I'm vulnerable, and he is too. I've come so far mentally when it comes to him, there is no way in hell I can just let it all be for nothing. I wasn't worth making it work before, when I was pregnant and needed you the most, so don't want me now. But for the sake of her spending time with him, I might... I believe I can be strong and stick to what I know in my head is the right thing to do.

*sigh* That's my baby daddy, huh...

I've been in a pretty good mood lately. As my body is slowly going back to normal, I'm getting more energy and confidence! I have a lot of weight I want to loose, which I will be starting to do in a week or two, but I feel semi-attractive again.

Aw, shit... Amaya just woke up... gotta go :\.

I took Amaya to the doctor yesterday so they could check her weight. Last week she was 6lbs 1oz... and now she''s 7lbs 6oz!! A pound and 5 oz in one week. I believe it's because I've been strictly feed her formula, and she's been taking almost 4 oz. at times, but usually 2-3. But yeah my lil angel is filling out now and gettin' chubby! ;)

So I told myself that I would be celibate at least until 2008, and if there was no one in my life I felt was worth it, I'd wait even longer. No reason in particular, just wanted to do it for self satisfaction. I reeaalllyy don't know if I can do it! There are a lot of temptations around me, but I'm going to try to be strong. It just seems like it's always on my mind now. I think I might also be kind of lonely, because I haven't had any affection from a man, let alone sex in 7 1/2 months. That is the longest it's been since I started dating when I was 15. If there's like a couple on TV, or people getting married, I so wish I had that. I'm trying to be patient and wait for something good to come to me. It seems like after I had the baby all these guys that I've been with in the past, and even some I never have, are popping up trying to "put their bid in", if you will. I'm just skeptical as hell now a days, and I don't even take it seriously because I don't know if they are being sincere, or if they have a hidden agenda. Nor do I want to go in the past and fuck around with something I've been there done that with, I need to be moving forward. *sigh* I don't know man, I'm just confused, lonely, horny, and that isn't a good combination. lol.

Amaya and her grandfather (so cute to me!):

I'm sitting here trying to be very quiet so Amaya doesn't wake up!

Besides her new obsession to be up underneath me all damn day, things are going pretty smooth. She sleeps pretty much through the night, which I'm not trying to get used to because I know she could do a total 360 on me at any point in time. I'm not breastfeeding her, she was ridiculously fussy when I was, and has been just fine since I've been giving her formula (Similac Isomil, this soy shit.).. which leads me to believe she wasn't getting enough from the breastfeeding. I am on WIC (Women, Children, Infant services) and they give you coupons for formula, in which they pay for the whole cost... so I won't have to spend all that money, because it'll be free! Like I said before I'd love to breastfeed but all the tips and suggestions I was getting from lactation consultants over the phone, and stuff I read on the internet wasn't helping... and I didn't have transportation to actually go to see someone in person to get advice, so I guess formula is what we are going to stick with.

I can't wait until I can start loosing weight!! I'm going to start walking with her in a few weeks, and after a week or two of that I'm going to try to go to the gym. 

*timer goes off* My chicken nuggets are done, see-ya!

She's been having blood in her diapers in the past 24 hours. Went to the pediatrician this morning, and he doesn't think it's anything we need to go to the emergency room for, and he said to wait 2-3 days to see if it stops. If it doesn't they are going to have to take a scope and check to see where it's coming from. I don't think she's in too much pain, because all day today she's been sleeping and she's awake now, just laying in her crib sucking on her pacifier. I hope she isn't in pain, and it goes away on it's own.

I tried to go back to breastfeeding but... that's not looking good. They checked her weight this morning too, and although she hasn't lost any, she hasn't gained either. She's only 6 days old so there isn't a big concern, but they told me I have to feed her formula, and if I want to nurse her I can do it for about 5 min. on each breast. I'm not sure if I'm going to do that because I don't want all this nipple confusion going on. I would love to breastfeed but it seems like she doesn't get satisfied. Maybe it's the way I latch her on, or maybe not. I'm probably going to talk to a lactation consultant and see. But for now I have to still formula feed her. They switched my brand though to Similac Isomil, and she seems to be taking it well, she's not as gassy.

I'm not really getting too much sleep, but it doesn't hit me until night time... which was hell last night. It is very hard, but when I look into her little eyes it makes it all worth it. I definitely have a new respect for all mothers, especially single mothers! My aunt is coming to take her in the morning for a few hours so I can get a break, thank God!! Love ya to death Amaya, but I am in desperate need for some me time.

So this is day four since little Amaya and I have been home. The routine is getting a little easier, but my sleep deprivation is getting harder. I'm sure it'll get better with time, but I'm praying to God to not let me loose my sanity in the mean time! ;)

I've been formula feeding her ever since I got home, but I've decided to give breastfeeding another shot. Hopefully I'll be able to latch her on well, so my nipples don't swell up and get sore like they did in the hospital. Soo yeah, wish me luck!

New picture of Amaya:

Still haven't went into labor yet! No sign of contractions or anything either. I have been feeling a little more pressure on my.... pelvis area, I guess you would call it. So maybe she's dropped down a little bit. We'll see Friday at my doctor appointment.

So my due date (well, estimated) was July 1st.. so we're almost four days overdue. As far as the whole Allen/D situation goes... if it's Allens, my due date would have been around the 20th of June. So tomorrow I would be 2 weeks overdue (if it's his). The further I go along, the more I'm thinking it isn't his. It's still possible, but getting more unlikely with each passing day.

I've been talking to D at least once a day... trying to get on a level that we can be friends, and have nice friendly conversations... but, it seems impossible. He always ends up saying something that is ignorant or pisses me off. He is totally insensitive to everyone and anything unless it has to do with him and what he wants. If I have to deal with his ass for the next 18 years of my life, it's going to be interesting... to say the least. I can totally see him saying shit like "I don't want so-and-so around my daughter... why is she wearing this... why are you doing this... I don't like this", but I'm going to be the one raising her and dealing with her every single day, while he gets to visit when he sees fit. He works 6 days a week from 5pm - 3:30am. Sunday is his only day off... and I already know he isn't going to drive from Michigan to Chicago every Sunday. I would love for him too, and I would do it if I was him... but I know what type of person he is. I don't know, I don't even try to worry or think about it now, especially not being 100% sure that he is the father. I just know it's not going to be smooth sailing trying to compromise with him. I'm a nice person, and I will be fair with him... but once he burns the bridge it's over. I will go put him on child support, and have him on scheduled visitation, and if he doesn't show up (or have a damn good reason why he can't make it) I will go back to court and try to get all visitation removed. So really the ball is in his court, he just has to play the game by my rules.

*sigh* but yeah... I'm gonna focus on bringing her into the world before I worry about all that, haha. I'm going to go finish eating my boston kreme cake, hope everyone has a fun and safe 4th of July!